Last night was a rough night. Adam and I were talking about the possibilities that next school year would bring for us... would I be working in the same school district, another district, or unemployed & staying home with our new baby? I was asking Adam what his ideal situation would be for next year, and he said, as long as I have a job, he would be happy. Then we wouldn't have to worry about finances & everything that goes along with it. He would still work his new part-time job at Pepsi, but it would be "fun money" that he could use to buy his toys & we could use for family outings & vacations. I told him I wasn't sure what my ideal situation would be, since I would love to be able to stay home with the baby, but at the same time, I agree with everything he said.
It feels like we just went though all this, and I started thinking about how over-whelmed I felt last year about this same time, 8 months pregnant, searching for a job to support our family, worrying about it (because I wouldn't be able to go on unemployment if I didn't have a job), worrying about Danielle's health and her surgeries. I remember so many different times telling Adam, "I can't do it anymore." To which his response was always, "Do what?" And it was everything, I couldn't deal with everything going on in our lives. Of course, I really didn't have a choice, I had to for Adam and for Danielle.
I started thinking back to all those feelings and started getting stressed and worried all over again, and started to tear up. I told Adam I couldn't do all that again, and he reminded me that we have a healthy baby on the way, and that if I don't have a job, I can go on unemployment, so we won't be flat broke & living in a box.
As we laid there in bed, my mind wandered to Danni. I have always told Adam that most of my memories of her are foggy from being on the pain killers from the c-section. I was glad he had more vivid memories of her, but sad that I didn't. But last night, all my vivid memories came flooding in. The ones from the day she died (which I still haven't written about in her blog, but still fully intend to write). I lost it. I started balling. Adam held me and comforted me, and eventually I was able to get it back together and fall asleep.