Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Meeting with Dr. Baker

Our first question for Dr. Baker was to tell us exactly what happened and when she started to go down hill. I'm sure I will describe that more when I blog about her last day, I don't really feel like typing it all right now. But one thing that Dr. Baker did say was that, she had a lot going against her. In the beginning of the pregnancy they didn't even think she would make it to term, but she did, and without developing hydrops. So that made them a little more hopeful for her, since she didn't have that going against her as well.

She had Heterotaxy, and it's kind of a broad description (people with Heterotaxy can have a huge list of things that could be wrong, or they could be perfectly normal, but backwards), and so there's rarely ever two cases that are alike. But he said that for people with similar cases, unfortunately, her outcome is more of the rule than the exception. In a strange way, I find that comforting. I don't like that it is the rule, and not the exception. But, it makes me feel more at ease that we and the doctors, did everything we could possibly do for her.

Saturday, November 13, 2010

Parenting a Child in Heaven

I think the past couple days have been rough for both of us, and I think the upcoming week won't be any easier. I'm not sure why it's been harder for either of us. On my way home from work on Friday, mom called me and wanted to go put an upright marker where Danni is, so that we can find her when the snow starts piling up.

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Rough Day for Two

Today was a rough day for both of us, I found out when I got home from work. The whole way home, I kept thinking about Danielle. There was nothing that triggered it or anything, no songs that made me think about her. She was just on my mind. I thought about how much I missed her, and how it felt when I held her the first time, and how much I wanted to hold her again.

When I got home, I curled up next to Adam and told him that I missed Danielle. He told me that he was thinking about her on his way into work this morning. When he got into work, he wanted to punch the steel door he had to go through, because it wasn't fair. He wanted his baby to come home to, but instead he comes home to pictures, an empty nursery, and a crying wife.

I think, for me, life is finally starting to settle down. All summer I was worried about getting a job. The beginning of the school year, I was figuring everything out that goes with a new school. And now, things are starting to settle down, so I have time to grieve. It seems like I'm starting to have more rough days than I was, though, I haven't cried myself to sleep in a while... but we'll see how tonight goes.