Tuesday, June 21, 2011

Too Small?

We had an appointment this morning, a morning where I've been pretty emotional. They're so quick and, dare I say, boring. One of the nurses that I've seen before took us back and took my weight & blood pressure. Both were good.

Dr. Tumaneng came in a few minutes later, asked if we had registered at the hospital yet. I told her we were waiting to hear about VBAC'ing at Woodwinds, and she said it looked like a "go," but I didn't get registered yet. She asked if we had any other questions, but we didn't.

So I got up on the table and she measured me. Having not done this many times before (like growth ultrasounds or biophysical profiles), I learned that I should be measuring between 30 and 34 cm this week. But I measured at 28 cm. She said she wanted us to get an ultrasound to make sure that she's growing alright, but wouldn't be surprised if it's just because I'm a small person. I don't really have any measurements to compare it to from Danni, as I was never measured. (But I'm going to keep it in mind with our next one if it turns out she is just fine.) She was getting ready to write up a slip to have an ultrasound done there at their clinic, but I asked if I could go to MN Perinatal instead. She was concerned about my insurance covering it, but I assured her it would be fine, and told her that Krista (my favorite u/s tech) had told us to come back if we needed another one.

Then she tried to listen to baby girl's heartbeat. She was kicking and moving around, so it took her a little bit to find her. But she finally got her to hold still for long enough to hear. Her heart rate was 135 bpm.

Before she left, she said another nurse would be in to talk to us about postpartum stuff. And shortly after she left, another nurse came in. I wish I would have remembered her name, but I didn't. She asked if this was our first, and I simply replied 'no.' She started talking a little about postpartum stuff, then asked how old our one at home is. I said, "She would be 13 months old," and I could see her looking at me differently. So I added, "She died when she was two days old." She apologized, and said she had a little one in heaven too. As she kept talking about the postpartum stuff again, I noticed she had a tattoo on the inside of her forearm of two tiny little feet with a heart around them and a name that I couldn't read. Later, when we were in the car, Adam commented that if they were the actual size, then he or she must have been about 20 weeks along.

Before she left, she gave us our Pampered Pregnancy gift. It was a booklet with some postpartum information and a $20 gift certificate to some postpartum workshops that we could take, along with a yellow receiving blanket. The blank, I think, matches her nursery pretty well with brown, blue, and green polka dots.

On our way out, we made our next appointment. From now on, I will be seen every 2 weeks since I am in the third trimester.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Back Down

I feel like I just posted about how I was feeling less depressed, and now I'm back down again. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy hormones, or if I just really can't handle doing this all again.

After school today we had our last meeting of the year to give out years of service awards and say farewell to those who were leaving. I wasn't sure if I would be included in this or not since we don't know if I'll be back yet or not. But I was... and it was the way I was that set me almost on the verge of tears right there in the lecture room.

Polly, our principal, called out my name and I gave a wave showing her (and everyone else I guess) where I was in the room. She said, "Sarah was a long-term sub with us this year..." And that's what did it. I am not a long-term sub. I am a white contracted, first year probationary teacher. I would not have broken my contract with Sacred Heart last summer for a LTS position. I would not have turned down a job offer at Immaculate Conception last summer for a LTS position. I would not have taken a LTS position, because I would have known, for sure, that I would be in the same boat one year from then, searching for a job.

Yet, here I am... searching for a job... again.

Another Year, Another Job Hunt

The past two days I've been pretty depressed. Mostly about jobs and income, but of course every time I see a picture of Danni on my background, it doesn't help matters. A lot of times her pictures can make me smile, but when I'm already down, it just makes me miss her that much more.

Saint Bernard's was, by far, the best place to work (yeah, the pay wasn't the greatest, but the people were, and that alone is priceless). Eagan has been nice to work at too. My co-workers are all very nice, and the kids (most of them anyway!) aren't so bad either. The pay, of course, is amazing, compared to SB.

But, now, again, a year later (and 7 months pregnant), I'm looking for a job. The position that I currently have is being cut to a .8 (instead of full time), and is being split between two schools. I have to reapply (already done), and re-interview for the position. But the more and more I've been hearing about the position, its seeming less and less like a possibility.

On Monday, I got home from school, depressed, and applied to 8 different openings that I found. (Keep in mind last year, I sent out over 40, and got 13 interviews, and 2 1/2 job offers - one I was second on the list and they later called me back because their first choice backed out.) But this year will be different. Last year I did do a couple interview 8 and 9 months pregnant with Danielle, but this time all my interviews I will be 7, 8, or 9 months pregnant. Granted, it's legally not supposed to play a factor in whether or not they hire you, but if you tell me it honestly doesn't, I won't believe you. When you're looking for a teacher to start a school year and you have two equally qualified candidates, but one will have a baby at the beginning of the school year, so you'll have to do more interviews to find a long-term sub, which candidate do you think they're going to pick? I was so depressed and stressed that I fought so hard (and unsuccessfully) to not cry myself to sleep. And of course, being pregnant I couldn't take any sleeping drugs to help.

Yesterday, I got home from school, slightly less depressed, but I couldn't bring myself to apply to any jobs. Adam didn't have school, so he was home when I got home. We talked a little about the whole situation, and Adam reminded me that if I don't get a job, there is always unemployment. As I was getting ready for bed, he had out his phone and was checking websites for figures, and calculating what I would be making after day care costs, and what I would be making on unemployment. When we looked at what we would have each month and compared the numbers, they were fairly close. We thought about it, and after refinancing our mortgage, the money that we're saving each month on payments is about how much less I would be making on unemployment.

Today, as I'm sitting at work on my prep, I wanted to double check some numbers. We couldn't access the unemployment website (apparently you can only estimate your benefits online from 6am to 6pm), and I wanted to double check the daycare costs. We were pretty much right on with the unemployment estimate, but were a little high on our estimate of daycare costs. The difference was only about $100 a month from what we had calculated last night. Then I looked at what I would be making if I got the .8 split-school position, and found (after day care expenses) I would actually be making more on unemployment.

These numbers are a little uplifting to me. I'm not so depressed about the income part, but I am still depressed about the job part. I think it's hard not to be if you lose your job twice in a year through no fault of your own.

Friday, June 3, 2011

Sharing Attention

I remember when we were pregnant with Danielle, being very excited to give her my attention: holding her, feeding her, loving her, watching her grow and learn. And being excited to see Adam with her, teaching her, and interacting with her. But at the same time, I wasn't ready to share Adam's attention with her. I wanted to see him with her, but when I wanted his attention, I wanted his full attention, without having to share it with a baby.

I'm starting to feel the same way again. Adam has been playing video games with one of his friends online a lot lately, and it was starting to get to me that he wasn't giving me as much attention. Then I started to think about when this baby comes, and how I will have to share his attention with her as well. (And I'm sure he will still want some time to play video games every once in a while.)

Yesterday, though, Adam came home from school and didn't even turn on the television. I had (pretty much) his complete attention. He read his book while I cooked dinner (much easier for him to put down at a moments notice to talk to me or whatever). We ate our dinner together on the couch and watched a couple episodes of NCIS (we're hooked, and now need season 8!). We probably would have eaten out on the deck, but it was pretty windy out, even though it was great weather otherwise.

I guess I'm feeling a little better about sharing him with a baby, after getting his full attention. But (again) I'm still not sure I'm ready to share his attention, even this second time around.