What is a joyous pregnancy like?

One thing that we talked about when we were at Faith's Lodge, was that those of use that lost our babies will no longer be able to experience a joyous pregnancy. For a couple like us, we had about 2 months where we were still "innocent," in that, we didn't know anything other than joy during a pregnancy. But when we had that first ultrasound with Danielle, that all shattered in an instant. We were told our baby had major heart complication, and may not live. Now, don't get me wrong, I enjoyed every minute of carrying Danni, but there was always still that lingering worry that weights on your mind all the time.

This time around, I feel that the only time we've really almost reached that innocent-joyous pregnancy was when Krista scanned the baby heart showing us the 4 chambers and that it was on the left side. But there still wasn't that innocence there. It was a joyous-relief: hearing that our second child won't have to have heart surgery, that the baby won't be hooked up to countless monitors, wires, & lines, that we don't have to plan for the worst, but hope for the best, because this baby has a better chance.

I think that hope and joy held us together for a while. But now the worry is starting to set in again. With Danielle, I felt her move very early on for a first-time mommy. I am now reaching the point with this one, especially since it's our second, that I should be able to start feeling the baby move (check this out on baby kicks). But I haven't yet. Now I'm sure there's plenty of reasons why I haven't felt him/her kick yet, for example, the placenta is in the front this time (I rarely every felt Danni kick where her placenta was). That thought got me through about a week, but now I'm starting to worry if the baby is still alive. Miscarriage rates, yes, they drop drastically after week 13, but look at the rates for heterotaxy (4 out of 1 million), they're even lower.

We have an appointment at Woodwinds with Liz on Monday. I'm hoping if I ask, Liz will bring the doppler out again and let me hear the heartbeat again. I think that will put my mind at ease for another two weeks until our next ultrasound, or better yet, until I feel the baby start to kick.

14 Weeks, 6 Days