I feel like I just posted about how I was feeling less depressed, and now I'm back down again. I'm not sure if it's the pregnancy hormones, or if I just really can't handle doing this all again.
After school today we had our last meeting of the year to give out years of service awards and say farewell to those who were leaving. I wasn't sure if I would be included in this or not since we don't know if I'll be back yet or not. But I was... and it was the way I was that set me almost on the verge of tears right there in the lecture room.
Polly, our principal, called out my name and I gave a wave showing her (and everyone else I guess) where I was in the room. She said, "Sarah was a long-term sub with us this year..." And that's what did it. I am not a long-term sub. I am a white contracted, first year probationary teacher. I would not have broken my contract with Sacred Heart last summer for a LTS position. I would not have turned down a job offer at Immaculate Conception last summer for a LTS position. I would not have taken a LTS position, because I would have known, for sure, that I would be in the same boat one year from then, searching for a job.
Yet, here I am... searching for a job... again.