Drama-Free Pregnancy?

Adam & I had been talking about how it would be nice if this were a drama-free, "normal," or even boring pregnancy. But last week Wednesday, something not-so normal happened.

Last week Wednesday, I started spotting a little bit. So I called the nurse midwife line, and she asked a couple questions, and determined that it should be fine, and told us not to worry. By Saturday, it hadn't stopped, so I called again. The nurse again said it didn't sound too worry-some, but to call again on Monday if it still hadn't stopped and make an appointment. I would love to say it stopped on Monday, but it didn't.

I made an appointment on Monday at school, and we went in after school. The nurse-midwife that we had was Elizabeth. She asked the usual questions. We told her that it was our second child, and she commented about how I must be a busy mom having a 7-month-old. So we had to explain to her what happened with Danni.

She did an internal exam, and said that it looked like it might just be my cervix, and nothing to worry about, but I think she could tell that we were a little more worried than most expectant parents, since we had already lost one child. So she said we had two options. I could have a blood draw and come back two days later for another to make sure that my HGC (pregnancy hormone) levels were increasing, and/or we could have an ultrasound, which might be inconclusive, since the baby is still pretty tiny at this point (they might not even be able to find the baby). We said we would be fine with either or both. So she wrote up orders for both, and brought us over to the lab.

I felt bad making the lab tech find a bed for me to lay down on to get my blood drawn (I usually get light-headed and they worry about me passing out). But he found an empty room, and Adam held my hand (without looking at the needle), and he drew my blood.

In the car on the way home, I called to schedule the ultrasound for the next day, but later changed it to Wednesday. Since we had to go in again anyway for the second blood draw, it would save us another trip out there. Of course, it's suppose to snow again on Wednesday, so we'll be crawling up 494 through the snow again, but hopefully we'll find out everything is just fine.

6 Weeks, 3 Days

Baby Dreams...

I was talking to my sister-in-law once about baby dreams, and she said that it indicates a life change if you have one. I remember having one before I was pregnant with Danni, and then another one a couple weeks before she was born. But this time I haven't had any! (Guess my life isn't going to change with this one!)

At dinner tonight, Adam told me that he had a "baby dream." He said that we were in the labor & delivery room, but had to share a room with Courtney Cox (who apparently we knew pretty well). I guess she told me that she was really scared about having a natural birth and all. But I told her, not to worry, that it was easy. -When Adam told me the next part, I COULD NOT stop laughing!- He said I then laid down on the bed, and the baby just popped out (he said quicker than it took to explain his dream). So I told her, "See it's easy." Then I guess we came back into her room 42 hours later (yes, that was the time frame he gave me), and she was still in labor, but we had a child that was walking around. (They really do grow up fast don't they?!)

5 Weeks 3 Days

Better Kept Secret

With Danielle, we had decided to tell our parents & siblings early on, but then let the rest of the world know after we were through the first trimester. It turned out the news traveled fast, and Adam's brother, Ben, found out we were expecting from his neighbor, instead of us.

Since we had that experience, we said right after that, that with our next child, we would wait to tell everyone until the second trimester. But since our pregnancy with Danni was so public, and people we didn't even know were praying for her (don't get me wrong, we really do appreciate all the prayers), I felt the need to keep the next one to ourselves for as long as we could. We joked that we would show up with a 5-year-old to Christmas one year, and finally tell people.

So far, so good. We have kept our secret, though, we have only really known for about a week. Which I suppose is better than with Danielle, since Adam had told his brother, Jon, the day we found out. (They were up getting the cabin ready for hunting, and I think Adam was just itching to tell someone.)

4 Weeks, 3 Days
I was looking at pictures from when I was pregnant with Danni, and this one would probably compare to a picture when I was about 13 weeks along with her... Maybe we won't be able to keep it a secret for as long as we want!

A New One!

About half-way through this month, I started noticing some "symptoms" that I had when I was pregnant with Danni. I figured it was the "hypochondriac" in me, trying to find little things that might suggest I was pregnant again. So I didn't get too excited or anything, as I hate it when my hopes are dashed. Besides, if we were pregnant now, then I'd miss the beginning of the school year, and I'd hate to do that.

About four days before my friend should show up, I thought I'd take a pregnancy test. I was anxious to find out, plus I wanted to know if these things actually worked "up to 4 days before your missed period." It was negative. So I figured either I'm not pregnant, or they really don't work that far in advance. So I figured my friend would show up by Tuesday or Wednesday (or Thursday or Friday). I told Adam that I would just wait until the weekend again to take another test, because by then we'd know for sure.

Well, on Wednesday morning, I figured, what-the-heck, I'll take another one. So I waited my three minutes, and then took a look. I had to squint, but I could see a very faint second line!

Adam was at work, so I couldn't tell him right away, and I would be out to dinner with the Saint Bernard's staff, and by the time I would get home, he would probably be sleeping. So I decided that I would make a slide show for Adam. (I'll see if I can post it somehow.)

I had it started on his computer, so that when he got home from work and sat down at this desk to take off his shoes, he would see a screen that said "Press Play." I sent him an email once I got to work, hoping that he would email me back, somehow letting me know that he saw it, but I never got one. So I text-ed him to see what he thought, and he said "nice show." He wasn't terribly impressed that I tried to find a creative way of telling him. (Maybe that's why he doesn't understand that it's nice to do something thoughtful & romantic for your wife every once in a while...)

Meeting with Dr. Baker

Our first question for Dr. Baker was to tell us exactly what happened and when she started to go down hill. I'm sure I will describe that more when I blog about her last day, I don't really feel like typing it all right now. But one thing that Dr. Baker did say was that, she had a lot going against her. In the beginning of the pregnancy they didn't even think she would make it to term, but she did, and without developing hydrops. So that made them a little more hopeful for her, since she didn't have that going against her as well.

She had Heterotaxy, and it's kind of a broad description (people with Heterotaxy can have a huge list of things that could be wrong, or they could be perfectly normal, but backwards), and so there's rarely ever two cases that are alike. But he said that for people with similar cases, unfortunately, her outcome is more of the rule than the exception. In a strange way, I find that comforting. I don't like that it is the rule, and not the exception. But, it makes me feel more at ease that we and the doctors, did everything we could possibly do for her.

Parenting a Child in Heaven

I think the past couple days have been rough for both of us, and I think the upcoming week won't be any easier. I'm not sure why it's been harder for either of us. On my way home from work on Friday, mom called me and wanted to go put an upright marker where Danni is, so that we can find her when the snow starts piling up.

Rough Day for Two

Today was a rough day for both of us, I found out when I got home from work. The whole way home, I kept thinking about Danielle. There was nothing that triggered it or anything, no songs that made me think about her. She was just on my mind. I thought about how much I missed her, and how it felt when I held her the first time, and how much I wanted to hold her again.

When I got home, I curled up next to Adam and told him that I missed Danielle. He told me that he was thinking about her on his way into work this morning. When he got into work, he wanted to punch the steel door he had to go through, because it wasn't fair. He wanted his baby to come home to, but instead he comes home to pictures, an empty nursery, and a crying wife.

I think, for me, life is finally starting to settle down. All summer I was worried about getting a job. The beginning of the school year, I was figuring everything out that goes with a new school. And now, things are starting to settle down, so I have time to grieve. It seems like I'm starting to have more rough days than I was, though, I haven't cried myself to sleep in a while... but we'll see how tonight goes.