Meeting with Dr. Baker

Our first question for Dr. Baker was to tell us exactly what happened and when she started to go down hill. I'm sure I will describe that more when I blog about her last day, I don't really feel like typing it all right now. But one thing that Dr. Baker did say was that, she had a lot going against her. In the beginning of the pregnancy they didn't even think she would make it to term, but she did, and without developing hydrops. So that made them a little more hopeful for her, since she didn't have that going against her as well.

She had Heterotaxy, and it's kind of a broad description (people with Heterotaxy can have a huge list of things that could be wrong, or they could be perfectly normal, but backwards), and so there's rarely ever two cases that are alike. But he said that for people with similar cases, unfortunately, her outcome is more of the rule than the exception. In a strange way, I find that comforting. I don't like that it is the rule, and not the exception. But, it makes me feel more at ease that we and the doctors, did everything we could possibly do for her.

Parenting a Child in Heaven

I think the past couple days have been rough for both of us, and I think the upcoming week won't be any easier. I'm not sure why it's been harder for either of us. On my way home from work on Friday, mom called me and wanted to go put an upright marker where Danni is, so that we can find her when the snow starts piling up.

Rough Day for Two

Today was a rough day for both of us, I found out when I got home from work. The whole way home, I kept thinking about Danielle. There was nothing that triggered it or anything, no songs that made me think about her. She was just on my mind. I thought about how much I missed her, and how it felt when I held her the first time, and how much I wanted to hold her again.

When I got home, I curled up next to Adam and told him that I missed Danielle. He told me that he was thinking about her on his way into work this morning. When he got into work, he wanted to punch the steel door he had to go through, because it wasn't fair. He wanted his baby to come home to, but instead he comes home to pictures, an empty nursery, and a crying wife.

I think, for me, life is finally starting to settle down. All summer I was worried about getting a job. The beginning of the school year, I was figuring everything out that goes with a new school. And now, things are starting to settle down, so I have time to grieve. It seems like I'm starting to have more rough days than I was, though, I haven't cried myself to sleep in a while... but we'll see how tonight goes.

Grieving: Men vs. Women

At the "Fall Family Day: Getting Back to 'Normal,'" we split up, men and women (and children). The men and women each came up with their own list that they wanted the opposite sex to know about their grief.

My Grief Wish List

This isn't something that I wrote, the author is unknown, but it was given to us after the "Fall Family Day: Getting Back to 'Normal'" at Children's Hospital, and I thought I would share it with people. Maybe it will help you understand us a little bit better or be more relaxed around us. (I edited it a little bit, putting in Danni's name and "she" and what-not.)

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Seriously Considering

After thinking that we were pregnant at the beginning of October, getting our hopes up, and starting to get very excited about giving Danielle a sibling, we started seriously considering trying to conceive right away.

I was actually quite surprised when Adam brought up having another child first. He seemed more excited about the possibility of being pregnant, than he was when I told him we were expecting Danni. And with that disappointment, he was serious about trying right away.

That is when we started researching VBACs more online. Adam found the ICAN website, and read as much as he could on there. I was still a little hesitant. I really did want another baby, but I was nervous that my body might not be totally ready to carry another child. I still had twinges of pain near my incision, and I couldn't imagine that getting any less if I had a new child growing inside me and stretching my incision.

We weighted the pros and cons of trying now and waiting until February (the amount of time that ICAN recommends). It would be a little riskier. I would be seven months pregnant at Adam's sister, Jacque's wedding, and would have to make sure my bridesmaid dress would fit right. If we waited until February, the baby would be born about six weeks before winter break (so I would have eight weeks, then Adam would be home another two or three weeks, before we would have to worry about day care).

Everything seemed to point to February, but many women have had VBACs before 18 months, and my bridesmaid dress could be altered to fit a pregnant belly. We were ready, though.

Thinking About "The Next One"

When I had my 1-week postpartum check up we had asked Dr. Ledella how long we would have to wait to have a another child if we wanted a VBAC (vaginal birth after cesarean). She told us two years, and at that time, we were not at all ready to have another child or to try to replace Danielle, so that seemed like a reasonable amount of time.

Though we did want to ask for a second opinion. Since we would hopefully be having our next child at Woodwinds, as was the original plan with Danni, we thought it would be wise to ask them. So at my 6-week postpartum check up, we asked Carrie. She wasn't sure, but asked the doctors. They told her one year. But we also found out that at that point in time Woodwinds did not do VBACs, but St. Joe's did.

After doing some research online, I found some women had gotten pregnant as early as three months after having a c-section, and still had a successful VBAC. Though we found that ICAN (International Cesarean Awareness Network) recommends 18 months from birth-to-birth (nine months from c-section to conception) for VBACs and HBACs (Home Birth After Cesarean).

With ICAN's recommendation, we would be able to start trying to conceive in February 2011. Though at the beginning of October 2010, we thought we might be (though had not been trying at all) and even figured out we would be due on June 25. We were waiting to find out and were starting to get hopeful. We waited some more, and started to get excited. Then found out we weren't.

The same weekend we found out we weren't, we found out that my sister-in-law was pregnant with her eighth child, and she calculated that she was due June 25. I was very excited for them, but at the same time, not. They had thought they might be a couple months before, and were afraid that after loosing Danni, that it would be hard for us. They talked to us about it, but we both said that we would be happy for them if they were. And, like I said, we are, but at the same time it is a little hard to handle.

And actually within a couple days, we found out that two others in Adam's family were pregnant as well. Again, we were happy for them, but it was still hard.