Last Ultrasound :(

Mom met me at MN Perinatal this afternoon, Krista (my favorite u/s tech) greeted us shortly thereafter. He brought us back and asked if we remembered meeting Mary Peterson, one of the nurses at the United clinic. I said the name sounded familiar, but I couldn't remember. She told us that she lost her battle with cancer, and her wake was this evening. She said it was the saddest thing to happen within Perinatal since Dr. Burris died in the car accident in September 2009 (when we got pregnant with Danni).

Krista started scanning, and she was breech again. She could see all the organs & stuff again: kidneys, gall bladder, spleen, diaphragm, stomach, longs, two brain hemispheres... Then of course the heart. She turned to mom, and said, "Ready for something you've never seen before?" Mom stood up close to the monitor, and Krista scanned her 4-chamber heart. I think she was trying to hide it, but mom started tearing up. She took her heart rate, and it was 143 bpm (or maybe 147... I'm having a hard time remembering...) Krista made sure that we had gotten a picture last time of her heart, and I said yes.

She kept trying to scan baby's face to get a nice profile shot, but our baby girl always had her hands in front of her face. That makes it difficult to get good 3D ultrasound photos, so we still didn't get any. I can say though that I think she is much more lady-like than her big sister. She, again, kept her legs together, but Krista could still see that she was indeed still a girl. (Danni always had her legs spread apart for all the world to see her goods.)

Baby girl's profile

 She always has her hands in front of her face.

 Tiny foot!

 She's looking at us!

After she finished scanning, she said that Dr. Ahanya would be in to see us. She left the jelly & towel on my tummy, but when he came in, he just flipped through the pictures on the screen that Krista had already taken, and didn't do any more scanning. She weights 1 pound 4 ounces, and was "average" in all her size measurements, meaning we should have a 7-pound baby (since that's "average"). He said all looked good and we had made a healthy baby. When he flipped through some of her head shots, he commented, "If you lived in California, she'd be signing contracts!" He thought she was cute, though I'm not sure how you can tell from a 2D ultrasound before she's even bulked up yet, but I'll take it! She gets it from me! Don't let her daddy tell you otherwise! :)

On our way out, Krista stopped us in the hall, and said that it looked like this was our last ultrasound, but that if Comprehensive wanted an ultrasound done, that I should ask to be sent back there. I guess she couldn't talk Dr. Ahanya into needing another one. And if I can think of any reason to get another ultrasound to try to. I smiled and told her that every time this little girl has been breech (Danni never was!), and I'm worried that she'll stay that way. Since I'm worried about making sure I don't have another c-section, I think I'll need to come in for another one to make sure that she has flipped. She agreed!

Before we left I said goodbye to Wendy & Joan at the front desk, and told them I hoped to try to come back for another one if I could find a reason. Joan said, "Just tell them you haven't felt the baby move, but let's hope that doesn't happen!"

Daniel Joseph

Adam's aunt & uncle just had their baby boy about two weeks ago. They had asked us when she was about 5 months along, if we would be okay if they named him Daniel Joesph. Of course we were okay with it! He is the first baby born in either of our families since Danni.

My mom & I threw a shower for my sister-in-law who's getting married in May, and Barb brought Daniel. I felt bad that we hadn't gone to see him before, but I finally got to meet the little guy. When I held him he seemed so much smaller than Danni, even though he was 10 pounds compared to Danni's 6 pounds, 13 ounces. I think his face is thinner than Danni's was with her round cheeks too. Mom, Adam, and I all agreed that he probably felt smaller to hold, because Danni was hooked up to so many different things, and whenever we held her she was wrapped up in two blankets.

Before she left, Barb asked Adam and I if we would be Daniel's Godparents. We were honored, and said yes. His baptism is the morning that we were planning on doing Danni's birthday party (two days before her birthday).

Adam, mom, and I were talking later, and none of us can seem to call him "Danny." Adam has another cousin (on the other side) whose name is Danny, but I think because he's been around a lot longer than our Danni, it doesn't phase us at all. But holding a little tiny baby and calling him Danny we can't quite do. We thought maybe when he gets older we'll be able to call him Danny too, but only time will tell.

Consult at Comprehensive

I just realized that I never did a post about our consult at Comprehensive Healthcare for Women with Dr. Sam Arnold. So here's the gist of the consult...

He was very, very supportive about our choice to do a VBAC, and had us sign some paperwork that we had talked about the risks and benefits of VBAC'ing. He said that at this point, we would have to have her at St. John's in Maplewood, but with Woodwinds changing their policy, we very well may be able to go there instead. They prefer going to Woodwinds, as it is much closer for them, and I think they're more familiar with the hospital, since they go there more often. He said that by my next appointment, they should have a better idea of if it is an option or not.

He checked the growth of my uterus (right on track), and offered me a 20-week ultrasound. But, I told him that MN Perinatal was taking care of all of our ultrasounds. I told him that we would have them send the results there instead of Woodwinds.

That was pretty much it in a nutshell!

Foggy & Vivid Memories

Last night was a rough night. Adam and I were talking about the possibilities that next school year would bring for us... would I be working in the same school district, another district, or unemployed & staying home with our new baby? I was asking Adam what his ideal situation would be for next year, and he said, as long as I have a job, he would be happy. Then we wouldn't have to worry about finances & everything that goes along with it. He would still work his new part-time job at Pepsi, but it would be "fun money" that he could use to buy his toys & we could use for family outings & vacations. I told him I wasn't sure what my ideal situation would be, since I would love to be able to stay home with the baby, but at the same time, I agree with everything he said.

It feels like we just went though all this, and I started thinking about how over-whelmed I felt last year about this same time, 8 months pregnant, searching for a job to support our family, worrying about it (because I wouldn't be able to go on unemployment if I didn't have a job), worrying about Danielle's health and her surgeries. I remember so many different times telling Adam, "I can't do it anymore." To which his response was always, "Do what?" And it was everything, I couldn't deal with everything going on in our lives. Of course, I really didn't have a choice, I had to for Adam and for Danielle.

I started thinking back to all those feelings and started getting stressed and worried all over again, and started to tear up. I told Adam I couldn't do all that again, and he reminded me that we have a healthy baby on the way, and that if I don't have a job, I can go on unemployment, so we won't be flat broke & living in a box.

As we laid there in bed, my mind wandered to Danni. I have always told Adam that most of my memories of her are foggy from being on the pain killers from the c-section. I was glad he had more vivid memories of her, but sad that I didn't. But last night, all my vivid memories came flooding in. The ones from the day she died (which I still haven't written about in her blog, but still fully intend to write). I lost it. I started balling. Adam held me and comforted me, and eventually I was able to get it back together and fall asleep.

Bonding

I've read so much about how it is important to bond with baby by doing skin-to-skin right away when baby is born. With Danielle, I never had that chance. I didn't even get to hold her until the day after she was born. But, I felt like I got to know her though all of the ultrasounds we had. I saw her every week while she was growing inside me. I saw her trying to suck her thumb, sticking out her tongue, stretching (my ribs felt that one too, as I watched her on the monitor!), saw her hair and eyelashes before she was born, and had a pretty good idea of what she looked like even before she arrived. I was given the gift of bonding with her before she was born, since we weren't going to have much time to get to know her once she was born.

With her little sister, I don't feel like I know her as well, or have bonded like I was able to with Danni. I feel somewhat distant from her. At first I thought it was just because I didn't want to get close to her, in case we lost her too. But now, I think it's partly that, and partly that we aren't seeing her every week through ultrasounds like we were with Danni. Now that I'm starting to feel more confident that she'll make it, and that we'll be able to bring her home from the hospital, I feel like I'm missing out on something, that I'm not going to be able to bond with her. But I just have to keep reminding myself, that I will hopefully be able to hold her right after she's born, and we'll bring her home from the hospital. We'll be able to get to know her and bond with her as she grows up with us. This is bringing me hope, and is starting to make me more joyous about this pregnancy and our baby.

Pain, Already?

I remember with Danielle, when I was about 8 months along getting really bad pain in my pelvic region. I had described the pain to Adam, and how it hurt to walk, and he researched it online to see if he could find some answers. He found that it's called pelvic girdle pain (PGP), and that many women get it during pregnancy, some worse than others. As it turns out, I had it fairly bad. The week before I delivered, I was home from work, because I couldn't walk.

At this point, I'm 5 months along, and have already been starting to get PGP again. I'm finding though that some days (or even hours) are worse than others. Sometimes I'm able to "power though it," and other days I'm not. I'm hoping that I can at least make it until June when school is finished without it getting to the point of not allowing me to walk. Then I can sit on the couch, if I need to, until she is born. God willing, it won't get that bad, as I think I would go nuts not being able to do things around the house. But, at least God has blessed me with a husband who is very, very helpful, so things won't go "undone."

Childbirth Collective: Breastfeeding

My friends, Ashley & Amanda, invited me to go with them to a Childbirth Collective Parent Topic Night on breastfeeding last Wednesday. Since Adam has class late on Wednesday nights, it was the perfect night to go. I wouldn't have to worry about getting home & waking him up.

I learned a lot (took over a page and a half of notes!) about breastfeeding, since I wasn't ever able to try with Danni. (Though, I do feel like I know everything & more about pumping!) For example, they said that if you are having trouble breastfeeding after a couple weeks, go "back to basics" and start with some skin-to-skin contact. When babies are born and immediately placed on their mother's chest, they will being to crawl (not like an 7 or 8 month old would) to the mother's breast and latch on. They showed us a video of it, and it was amazing to see!

Afterwards, the ladies that were putting it on came around & talked to us. She asked Amanda more about the problems she had breastfeeding her first, Noah. Then she asked me about my breastfeeding experience with my first. I explained that I was never able to feed her, but one nurse allowed her to suckle once. I told her how it was a little painful, and Danni fell asleep fairly quickly, so I didn't keep her on very long. (Though if you ask Adam the reason she doesn't have a smile on her face in the picture of me holding her -she smiled when he was holding her- is because I took the boob away from her.)

I shared a little bit about Danielle's story with her and the others. It was something I hadn't done in a while, and it felt good to talk about her with people who hadn't heard her story before. Most people I'm around have heard her story before (probably a couple times). Ashley asked me if I needed a hug. I said I was okay, and I was, it felt good to talk about her.